FTR (that's 'for the record', as Devyn would say), being pregnant isn't so bad when I'm not nauseated by everything or breaking out in hives all day. I love my midwife for allowing benedryl, because damn. I really thought I was going to die with those hives.

I've gone through so many things that I was "sure, this time" were causing the hives. I'm talking everything from laundry detergent, lotion, and deodorant to my vitamins, the food at work, and milk. I've cut out each of those things in turn, and to no avail... They keep happening. They almost look like bug bites, but there's no bite mark, no certain time that I break out, and no one else has them. Sometimes they disappear, and sometimes they linger as a rash-- either the same size as the original hive, or it spreads to an inch+ circle. It's so lame.

Sidenote-- I'm watching the Olympics again-- I'm not a fan of speed skating. It isn't fun and it stresses me out hardcore. They always look like they're going to fall, and I'm terrified the entire time that someone will fall and a skate will accidentally slice open a major artery or slice off a finger. I know that's morbid, but I've thought about it every winter that it's on, from when I was a kid. Ha, I'm a worrier by nature, what can I say?

I really need to make a few calls for work and get to bed. Love you all, and can't wait to see some of you this weekend!!

Early pregnancy rant

I'm so bad at posting!! I think about things I should blog throughout the day, but by the time I get home and make dinner and clean up a bit, I'm done.

I'm very distracted by the Olympics right now-- this crazy ice skating man is stressing me out. What's his name? Plushenko. Insane.

Anyway.. I was thinking a lot today about how little my current job and my personal goals fit together. I'm doing a lot of extra work because "it'll be good for my career," but I'm pretty much wasting my time as far as that goes. I need to learn how to say no, because they keep asking me to do stuff, and to consistently go 'above and beyond.' I like working hard and learning new things, which is why I keep saying yes, but I can't see a future here.

Here's the problem- my company is the furthest thing from family friendly there is... they don't pay maternity leave (and this is a big, national, publicly traded company), the hours aren't flexible at all, and working part time isn't even an option. I've been embarrassed by comments from several people, management included, who talk about children like they're they plague, and make it sound like people who want babies are crazy podunks. Time off is discouraged, and coming in late/leaving early is almost never okay, even if planned. It's so bad they could advertise to the young and hip as anti-family.

Everyone there expects me to hate being pregnant, hate starting a family, hate that I have to "give up" working for a few months... what?!!?!??!? Are you kidding me with that? Why would I be excited to leave my precious little person that God let Jake and I make to come back to a meaningless, mind-numbing, thankless job? Everyone keeps saying, "Wow, maternity leave seems so long! You'll want to come back before it's over so you can get on with life and get away from the screaming kid."

Umm... Okay? Because my life goal is to pop out a brat, send it on to daycare at the ripe old age of 6 weeks, wash my hands of it, and move on with my life! Right back in to a tiny, sunless cubicle where I make absolutely no difference in the world but climb the corporate ladder because I'm marginally smarter than the other idiots they hired. Right.

Jake and I have the luxury of each other in a strong, healthy relationship, so we'll be able to share work and home responsibilities- just not with me working a full-time 9-5. I guess it sounds weird in the corporate world, but I want my baby, and I want to be there to love it and help it grow into a big, strong, loving, smart person. I have the love and attention span to take care of something helpless. I don't care if my 'career' will be ruined- it wasn't really worth doing in the first place. I'm going to raise a loving and loved child who will know its parents and be happy in the knowledge that we love him/her and are there for (him) and have time for (her). Our child isn't going to be the afterthought if our lives, a trophy or check mark for life that we only play with when it's convenient. I'm making a person, and working damn hard at it, too.

My baby is a person. I love the lil' nugget, and I won't be looked down on for that.

P.S., I'm gonna be so super stoked when we find out what it is, and can stop referring to it as an it...

Life altering, to say the least

So... I'm making a baby (Jake helped)! It's a crazy, crazy thing that I haven't come anywhere close to wrapping my brain around.

There are so many different things going through my head right now, and my spinning thoughts have even slowed from last week when we found out. All of last week I could barely function because my brain was moving so fast, trying to figure out every angle of this pregnancy thing, and what it entails. Past, present,and future feel like a spinning kaleidoscope, and I can't seem to focus on any one thing.

Ha, I've used the word 'spinning' like 20 times already, but that's what it feels like (okay, I just edited a few out, only two left).

[10 minutes where I stare blankly at the screen]

Mmmm... my thoughts aren't organized enough to blog. Suffice it to say that I'm nauseated all the time, my lovely lady lumps hurt hardcore, and I want to sleep 12 hours a day. I hear the sleep thing gets way worse. I'm not stoked for that.

Ugh, okay. I'm done. Stay tuned, folks! I'm going to make a conscious effort to blog. I'm thinking I'll want to remember this stuff, and some out-of-towners might even be interested in hearing it. I'll try not to be too honest, for posterity's sake. :)

Peace.

Birfday!

I'm 23 today.

It's pretty sweet. I'm officially 2 years closer to getting a break on insurance and hotel rooms, and officially closer to dying.

Haha!

"And that's about the time that she walked away from me
Nobody likes you when you're 23
And are still more amused by TV shows
What the hell is ADD?
My friends say I should act my age
What's my age again?
What's my age again?"

Is it over yet? (Not even close)

Apparently I have a chronic issue remembering the password for this account... lame.

So, Nobama won the election today. I'm bummed, because he's disappointed me a lot. At first, I was all about him. His speeches and thoughts were brilliant and inspiring, he spoke for change and reform, and excited all of the optimism in me.

Aaand then-

He lies. He hides. His charm turns smarmy, and his calm becomes oddly robotic. He can't decide who his (powerful & influential) friends are, and falls victim to very convenient amnesia.

I can't stand people who don't take responsibility for their words and actions.

Needless to say, I'm worried. Obama is even making me (with my socialistic leanings) uncomfortable. I believe in social responsibility and personal giving in a capitalistic society. I do not believe that the government should take my hard-earned money and give it to everyone else. I believe that I should take my hard earned money and give to those less fortunate. I believe that it is the church's job to care for the widow and the orphan, not my personal job to support the lazy.
I believe that the government should leave me alone, and have far less say in my daily life.
I'm pretty sure Obama is going to do the opposite of that. Is he what this country needs? We'll see.

I'm waiting to be impressed.

I'm a weird libertarian, but is anyone else with me here?

I'm skurred of moving

So, the time has finally (almost) come. Friday we're finishing packing and moving everything down to a storage unit in Escondido. It's kinda funny to think of the things that we can live without, even though I'll miss having and using a lot of the stuff. All of my grandpa's (and my) paintings, wedding pictures, winter clothes, an entire box of shoes, three full boxes of books (at current packing status, at least), and all kinds of other possessions that somehow become so valuable. My favorite things aren't the most expensive, though, which I think is pretty good. I'll miss having the homey, memory filled things around for the next few months.

Right now it's looking like we're going to rent a room from a lady named Julie. Besides her, there are 3 my-aged girls living there, and Jake says they all seem really nice. I have to go down there tomorrow though to meet them, because they need to meet me before they decide if we can live there. I totally understand, but it'll be pretty lame if they don't like me. We're moving on Friday... that's a whole two days away...

Needless to say, i'm a little stressed out. I'm spending half of each day at Hire A Helper, trying to pack the whole house, and save some time for the friends that are going to be so much harder to see now.

I need me some Jesus-lovin. I know that He should be my constant, but sometimes it's so hard to find that. I'm one of those dumbs who always realizes again and again when things get hard that Jesus is the only answer. Jake is wonderful in his way, but he was never intended to be my all-in-all. That spot is for my Saviour alone... and I really wish that I were better at living up to my vow of faith and life.

I'm skurred of so many things-- where to live, new roommates, never finding a house and always having roommates, drifting away from friendship with Jake because we don't have much one-on-one time, getting a real all the way degree, finding a real job, wasting my life, never helping anyone or changing someone's life...

I'm a big fat whiner. I'm sorry. But what else are blogs for, right?

How are you?

I'm back!

Holy Crap. I haven't been able to log in to this blog or the associated email account in ages. Turns out the password isn't chucknorris, like Jake insisted that it was. :)

I'll be back soon to post a real blog with real updates, but right now i'm busy at work... kinda. I'm at my internship at hireahelper.com learning search engine optimization. I'm supposed to be writing a blog saying what i've learned so far.

I'm totally writing a blog.... just maybe not the right one. Mike kicks ass for giving me this opportunity. i'm gonna stop wasting his time now. :)