I'm reading a book called the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. It's brilliant.
It's reminding me of what it's like to think hard and not fall into life's rut of complacency. I've fallen into several ruts in the recent 'seasons' of my life (PS, I HATE when people call times 'seasons', because it sounds like christianeze and I hate that. It makes me very uncomfortable and feel disconnected from the world and it feels like the person saying it is trying to sound better than you, so I'm sorry for using it).
The first rut began when I started working at AMN and was surrounded by people who didn't try to improve their lives- just glided along the surface of life and didn't care to find anything more. Part of my problem is that I need to be around stimulating people who inspire me, or else I grow insipid and stop caring to connect. This could be the Christian idea of community, or it could be my narcissistic tendency to need to impress people to make them like me. Everyone at AMN was impressed by my basic desire to do my job well. I don't think this is impressive- it's just how life should work. You work hard to improve yourself and your surroundings, because without that, why are do you even bother working? I know plenty of people who get by without trying. They aren't changing the world.
The first rut was the deepest (ha). The second rut was having a baby. I'm working hard still to raise him well, but again, it doesn't take much to impress a baby. Keep him clean & fed, give him lots of face time and be happy with his accomplishments, and he's happy.
My wonderful, poor, dear husband has enough to deal with trying to support us and take care of family business and make it day-to-day. I should depend on him more for stimulation, but he's so exhausted in the 2ish hours I see him each day that we're content to love each other deeply with what we have left.
Without community, I find that I stop trying as hard. Our growth group only meets once a week. As stimulating as my newfound pleasure in MOPS is, it only meets once every other week. I don't have anyone who spurs me on to daily try hard, be creative, and really think.
I have friends that inspire me, but we don't talk often enough. Lucy, Pieter, MandyB, Jonathan Hines, and others delight and elicit my brain to wake from it's plodding-along-to-get-by to really creating original, interesting, & different thoughts that make life beautiful.
Being Jake's wife is one of the primary highlights of my life. He makes me want to be a better person on a daily basis, and is always encouraging. He thinks I'm funny and witty and sweet, and that means the world to me. I want to remember how to appreciate him for his brilliance and vibrancy and keen understanding of the world around us, but we're always so bogged down by life's worries that our good bits get lost, sometimes.
So, basically, I want three things. One: to depend on Christ for my inspiration and motivation to become better every day. Two: to be near to friends who inspire me to read new things and write creatively and sing and paint and explore and live, and teach Daniel to do the same. Three: to move north- to somewhere that the sun isn't so obtrusive & painful, where the world is green and the sky is grey and Dan and I can go outside without fear.
It could happen, right?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
One slice o' paradise, coming right up
So we three are in Ventura this week hanging out with Isaac & Brenna while my MIL is in CO at a conference. We arrived last night around 10, and stayed up chatting until 11. Dan slept the entire car ride & was thoroughly woken up when we got here, so we couldn't get him to sleep until almost midnight. He then woke up at 1AM, and stayed awake and crying until 4. We slept until 6:30AM... and that's all. I think today I need to watch out for the "mommy monster" that Jake always warns Dan about...
Even with the lack of sleep, though, I'm happy to be here. Daniel and I went for a walk this morning, and I was so struck by the differences between here and Escondido. Forgive me for waxing poetic, but for the first time in a great while, I'm feeling inspired.
In Ventura, my MIL's house faces a river bottom. As we walked along the path across the street, my senses were filled with the smells of spruce trees, freshly turned dirt- moist & rich, freshly cut grass baking in the warm sun. More delicious smells that I have no name for drift up from the farmland alongside the river bottom, where the sun & wind together create a soul-thrilling perfume. I heard birds chirping madly & gladly in the bushes & trees, bees swarming (eek!) in the trees above my head, fellow wandering souls giving cheery (& non-threatening) hellos & good mornings. My heart was filled with joy overflowing as I watched the world around me. A ring of mountains around us, strong and ageless, trees old enough to be tall, strong, & glad in their might. I have to tilt my head all the way back to see their dizzying heights with the bees & birds in their uppermost branches. Dogs run free along the path, giddy with chasing & returning toys. A cool breeze balances the warm sun, and I feel all of the joy that I've been missing in our crowded, bustling, walled-in city.
I realize that this romanticizing isn't necessarily realistic- the gap in socioeconomic statuses of these neighborhoods is wide, but I don't think that the money factor is the only difference, not by a long shot. Here there are somewhat large single family homes, and we live in a condo complex where apartments have 2 bedrooms each. The difference that I noticed on my walk today, though- these houses are well kept. Trees & shrubs are trimmed, walkways are clean, the grass is cut, there isn't trash everywhere or gum & glass on the sidewalk or graffiti covering every surface. In San Diego, many 2br condos have 6-10 people crowded in, all of whom are apparently hell-bent on destroying their own neighborhood. Trash piles upon the porches. Lights that Jake dutifully fixes around the complex are broken as soon as they're repaired, much the same way that graffiti covers the freshly painted fences, walls, & garage doors that he just covered to erase the foul language & stupid symbols. While out painting & fixing lights (all on public areas of the complex) Jake has had the police called on him 3 times. The police show up 15 minutes later, confusedly asking Jake why he's cleaning up the neighborhood, & if he's being paid to do it (he's not). Any time that I go for a walk around our neighborhood at home, I'm made uncomfortable by people staring, crossing to the other side of the street to avoid me, or aggressively maintaining eye contact & forcing me & the stroller off of the sidewalk because they won't move (ftr, I hate wanna-be thugs in their teens & twenties).
Jake is always telling me that I'm the compassionate bleeding-heart in our relationship, leaving him free to be the asshole. :) I love people- I really do. I just don't want to be penned in & walled up & crowded with them on a regular basis. The elephant races held in the apartment above ours at all hours of the day & night irritate me more than I can say, but I couldn't ask them to tiptoe around their own home or keep their toddler from running and bouncing balls and playing in his own room. It's just one of those things that comes with the territory of living below a family of 7 (who also run a daycare).
As much as I love people, I feel the need to live in less proximity to so many of them. I need to breathe air not filled with car exhaust, to see mountains, to touch trees that are big & old & joyful in their strength, to hear outside noises like birds and wind and occasional silence. There are no mountains near me at home. Trees are young and sickly and penned in like the children who play in the back alley. The sounds we hear are of the busy intersection, the families yelling, the teenagers fighting on their walks home from school, circling each other on the corner while their classmates jeer & cheer them on.
Jake & Daniel make the inside of our house a wonderful, homey slice of heaven, but we can't step outside without being reminded that we're not welcome there. We've tried to make friends with our neighbors, but no one is interested. I know that we need to bless the world around us, but we're both people who love quiet & peace, and we both need time alone (and I mean really alone) to recharge & be available to the people around us.
All of this to say, I guess, that I'd give just about anything to live here. I know we couldn't afford one of these houses, but a smaller place nearby and walks with my MIL in her quiet neighborhood sound delightful. Besides- moving to Ventura would be closer to where I want to be. Say it with me if you know me: NORTH!
Even with the lack of sleep, though, I'm happy to be here. Daniel and I went for a walk this morning, and I was so struck by the differences between here and Escondido. Forgive me for waxing poetic, but for the first time in a great while, I'm feeling inspired.
In Ventura, my MIL's house faces a river bottom. As we walked along the path across the street, my senses were filled with the smells of spruce trees, freshly turned dirt- moist & rich, freshly cut grass baking in the warm sun. More delicious smells that I have no name for drift up from the farmland alongside the river bottom, where the sun & wind together create a soul-thrilling perfume. I heard birds chirping madly & gladly in the bushes & trees, bees swarming (eek!) in the trees above my head, fellow wandering souls giving cheery (& non-threatening) hellos & good mornings. My heart was filled with joy overflowing as I watched the world around me. A ring of mountains around us, strong and ageless, trees old enough to be tall, strong, & glad in their might. I have to tilt my head all the way back to see their dizzying heights with the bees & birds in their uppermost branches. Dogs run free along the path, giddy with chasing & returning toys. A cool breeze balances the warm sun, and I feel all of the joy that I've been missing in our crowded, bustling, walled-in city.
I realize that this romanticizing isn't necessarily realistic- the gap in socioeconomic statuses of these neighborhoods is wide, but I don't think that the money factor is the only difference, not by a long shot. Here there are somewhat large single family homes, and we live in a condo complex where apartments have 2 bedrooms each. The difference that I noticed on my walk today, though- these houses are well kept. Trees & shrubs are trimmed, walkways are clean, the grass is cut, there isn't trash everywhere or gum & glass on the sidewalk or graffiti covering every surface. In San Diego, many 2br condos have 6-10 people crowded in, all of whom are apparently hell-bent on destroying their own neighborhood. Trash piles upon the porches. Lights that Jake dutifully fixes around the complex are broken as soon as they're repaired, much the same way that graffiti covers the freshly painted fences, walls, & garage doors that he just covered to erase the foul language & stupid symbols. While out painting & fixing lights (all on public areas of the complex) Jake has had the police called on him 3 times. The police show up 15 minutes later, confusedly asking Jake why he's cleaning up the neighborhood, & if he's being paid to do it (he's not). Any time that I go for a walk around our neighborhood at home, I'm made uncomfortable by people staring, crossing to the other side of the street to avoid me, or aggressively maintaining eye contact & forcing me & the stroller off of the sidewalk because they won't move (ftr, I hate wanna-be thugs in their teens & twenties).
Jake is always telling me that I'm the compassionate bleeding-heart in our relationship, leaving him free to be the asshole. :) I love people- I really do. I just don't want to be penned in & walled up & crowded with them on a regular basis. The elephant races held in the apartment above ours at all hours of the day & night irritate me more than I can say, but I couldn't ask them to tiptoe around their own home or keep their toddler from running and bouncing balls and playing in his own room. It's just one of those things that comes with the territory of living below a family of 7 (who also run a daycare).
As much as I love people, I feel the need to live in less proximity to so many of them. I need to breathe air not filled with car exhaust, to see mountains, to touch trees that are big & old & joyful in their strength, to hear outside noises like birds and wind and occasional silence. There are no mountains near me at home. Trees are young and sickly and penned in like the children who play in the back alley. The sounds we hear are of the busy intersection, the families yelling, the teenagers fighting on their walks home from school, circling each other on the corner while their classmates jeer & cheer them on.
Jake & Daniel make the inside of our house a wonderful, homey slice of heaven, but we can't step outside without being reminded that we're not welcome there. We've tried to make friends with our neighbors, but no one is interested. I know that we need to bless the world around us, but we're both people who love quiet & peace, and we both need time alone (and I mean really alone) to recharge & be available to the people around us.
All of this to say, I guess, that I'd give just about anything to live here. I know we couldn't afford one of these houses, but a smaller place nearby and walks with my MIL in her quiet neighborhood sound delightful. Besides- moving to Ventura would be closer to where I want to be. Say it with me if you know me: NORTH!
Monday, January 10, 2011
4 months
Sometimes I put off blogging because I feel guilty that I haven't done it in so long. Today, after a long battle for nap time with Daniel, I want to get something, anything out. I know he'll wake up in a few minutes (we had the quite the battle to start nap time), but I think it's important to document this crazy, beautiful, sleep-deprived time. I already can't remember things from the 2 weeks after Dan was born-- although I think the c-section recovery, vicodin and 4 hours of sleep per night may have played a part in that.
We're getting to the point of sleep training with Daniel. Jake wanted to start it earlier, but I was being sentimental about how little he was and how dark and scary the world is (lol). I know (knew) that I was being silly, especially since I was frustrated night after night with how we needed to pat his little butt for an hour, and then again when he woke up during the night. I figure of all the things to be silly about, though, loving him too much isn't going to hurt him. He's just now exhibiting signs of knowing that he can manipulate us with crying, fake coughing, etc. As sad as I am to get to this point, it's amazing to see how clearly the light bulb turns on for him when he figures out something new.
I think that's one of my favorite parts of mommyhood- seeing him discover the world, and in the process rediscovering it for myself. Did you know that little crocodiles on a blanket have 10-minutes of stare-worthiness in them? Who knew? And the grass (okay, weeds) growing in the front yard, dancing in the cold wind are delightful to watch for as long as chilly fingers & cheeks can stand it.
I love how bright his eyes light up when he discovers something new, or when he sees me watching him push up. I clap and cheer for how strong he is, and he smiles a giant, gummy grin, occasionally breaking out into a little crow of delight and bigger push up.
There's nothing in the world like the light reflected as he stares at us with owl-eyed examination. I read in a book once a baby's eyes described as "orbs of light", and that sounds exactly right to me. Deep, intent, dark blue orbs reflecting the pure light within. I'm finally understanding again the innocence of children.
I'm also seeing human nature in fine form. His temper tantrums are rare so far (of course, he's not even 5 months yet), but they are definitely there. The fit of temper when we lay him down in his crib is funny so far- he kicks and screams with baby rage... and then eventually quiets down when he gets his paci. Jake saw a pacifier once that said "mute button". At the time we thought it was inappropriate... until we had a baby who wouldn't stop crying until we gave him a paci. Silly non-parents and their crazy ideals! I had so many theories on child-rearing before I had a baby. I still do, but now I can see how things change.
I have so much love for my sleep-hating, active & engaging child. I think he's like me, so far. We both need lots of attention/socialization (hey, I'm admitting it!), a routine, and time outside avoiding the sun. He's like Jake, too. He seems to be mechanically minded already, solemn, and a little bit angry. It's delightful!
I'm so happy on this journey. I'm even happier because I got a mini-date with Jake last night. The love of my life had a very rough week, but I enjoyed the time we had to tease each other, eat ice cream, and talk about the wonderful & terrifying turn our life has taken. So he's not on the way to becoming the CFO of a Fortune 500 company, and my ambitions have shifted to being a good mother instead of a good therapist. I'm happy. I'll be happier when I can work in writing & friends & music, but for now, I'm focused. I hope he'll be able to find a fulfilling job soon, especially since struggling to afford to live in a city we don't even like is stupid.
We are blessed- God is good. I'm so happy with my sweet little family.
We're getting to the point of sleep training with Daniel. Jake wanted to start it earlier, but I was being sentimental about how little he was and how dark and scary the world is (lol). I know (knew) that I was being silly, especially since I was frustrated night after night with how we needed to pat his little butt for an hour, and then again when he woke up during the night. I figure of all the things to be silly about, though, loving him too much isn't going to hurt him. He's just now exhibiting signs of knowing that he can manipulate us with crying, fake coughing, etc. As sad as I am to get to this point, it's amazing to see how clearly the light bulb turns on for him when he figures out something new.
I think that's one of my favorite parts of mommyhood- seeing him discover the world, and in the process rediscovering it for myself. Did you know that little crocodiles on a blanket have 10-minutes of stare-worthiness in them? Who knew? And the grass (okay, weeds) growing in the front yard, dancing in the cold wind are delightful to watch for as long as chilly fingers & cheeks can stand it.
I love how bright his eyes light up when he discovers something new, or when he sees me watching him push up. I clap and cheer for how strong he is, and he smiles a giant, gummy grin, occasionally breaking out into a little crow of delight and bigger push up.
There's nothing in the world like the light reflected as he stares at us with owl-eyed examination. I read in a book once a baby's eyes described as "orbs of light", and that sounds exactly right to me. Deep, intent, dark blue orbs reflecting the pure light within. I'm finally understanding again the innocence of children.
I'm also seeing human nature in fine form. His temper tantrums are rare so far (of course, he's not even 5 months yet), but they are definitely there. The fit of temper when we lay him down in his crib is funny so far- he kicks and screams with baby rage... and then eventually quiets down when he gets his paci. Jake saw a pacifier once that said "mute button". At the time we thought it was inappropriate... until we had a baby who wouldn't stop crying until we gave him a paci. Silly non-parents and their crazy ideals! I had so many theories on child-rearing before I had a baby. I still do, but now I can see how things change.
I have so much love for my sleep-hating, active & engaging child. I think he's like me, so far. We both need lots of attention/socialization (hey, I'm admitting it!), a routine, and time outside avoiding the sun. He's like Jake, too. He seems to be mechanically minded already, solemn, and a little bit angry. It's delightful!
I'm so happy on this journey. I'm even happier because I got a mini-date with Jake last night. The love of my life had a very rough week, but I enjoyed the time we had to tease each other, eat ice cream, and talk about the wonderful & terrifying turn our life has taken. So he's not on the way to becoming the CFO of a Fortune 500 company, and my ambitions have shifted to being a good mother instead of a good therapist. I'm happy. I'll be happier when I can work in writing & friends & music, but for now, I'm focused. I hope he'll be able to find a fulfilling job soon, especially since struggling to afford to live in a city we don't even like is stupid.
We are blessed- God is good. I'm so happy with my sweet little family.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Pictures!
Dan is the sweetest baby in the world! I love his gummy smile and the occasional laugh we squeeze out of him. :)
Here's Dan and Abby, Mike and Amy's 6 month old.
Here's Dan's surprised face... I tend to get this a lot when I'm taking pictures of him!
Dan and Jake watching the Steelers game is the cutest thing in the world!
Dan and I took a trip up to Julian (San Diego's Oak Glen)
His sweet half-smile is my favorite thing.
And he's getting really good at grasping things! He loves chewing on this teething butterfly.
Speaking of sweet babies, he's waking up from his 20 minute nap... guh. Off I go! If tucking the pacifier back in doesn't work, we've got a long day ahead of us.
Here's Dan and Abby, Mike and Amy's 6 month old.
Here's Dan's surprised face... I tend to get this a lot when I'm taking pictures of him!
Dan and Jake watching the Steelers game is the cutest thing in the world!
Dan and I took a trip up to Julian (San Diego's Oak Glen)
His sweet half-smile is my favorite thing.
And he's getting really good at grasping things! He loves chewing on this teething butterfly.
Speaking of sweet babies, he's waking up from his 20 minute nap... guh. Off I go! If tucking the pacifier back in doesn't work, we've got a long day ahead of us.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Pressing on
I've been meaning to post for months, but babies are hard! I never seem to find time. Sometimes while feeding Dan in the middle of the night I plan out blogs, thinking of what I'll say to document my baby's brilliance, milestones, and thousand sweetnesses. Only now, when he's almost 12 weeks and the house is finally quiet, am I managing to post even one update. Such is life, I guess!
The first months were very difficult. Sleep deprivation, colic, and lack of confidence made everything seem worse than it was. I went from calmly, kindly, logically explaining to Daniel why he shouldn't be crying for hours on end to laughing at myself for trying to sobbing hysterically to match his crying. Trying to get him ready and out the door for church, grocery shopping, and bible study made me quake in my new mommy boots (I say that as past tense... but it's still terrifying). Now, as he's about to hit the 3 month mark and pass from newborn to infant, few things have really changed. Laundry and dishes take days of planning and failed attempts to accomplish. My house is a mess as the normal clutter is buried under soggy burp cloths and attempted tasks (like thank you cards and birth announcements) that keep piling up. The one significant difference is my budding confidence that I might actually be able to do this!
I am so amazed by my friends with older babies. How the heck have you all managed to make it look so easy? Or my dear SIL Jenn, who has FOUR beautiful children, and manages to keep them entertained, learning, and yes, flourishing.
My lack of confidence is what really got me. Were (are) we making the right decisions? Why does he spit up so much? Why is there poop everywhere? How the hell are you supposed to know if a baby has diarrhea when every bm looks like soup? I feel like my capacity for worry (which was huge before) has grown as exponentially as my capacity for patience and love.
I am definitely becoming a better person as I learn how to be Dan's mama. Even in small things, I'm working harder to be the example of the person I want Daniel to be. I put shopping carts back in the corrals, spit gum into the trash, stopped littering, and re-hang clothes I bump over in department stores every time! As Lucy says, it's the little things we do that mean anything.
Daniel is getting smarter, stronger, and sweeter every day. Seeing Jake interact with him is making me fall in love with my husband in new, deeper ways. There is nothing in the world like my little family. As I go through each new day, even in the worry and hard work and occasional loneliness, four words echo over and over in my head- God is so good.
The first months were very difficult. Sleep deprivation, colic, and lack of confidence made everything seem worse than it was. I went from calmly, kindly, logically explaining to Daniel why he shouldn't be crying for hours on end to laughing at myself for trying to sobbing hysterically to match his crying. Trying to get him ready and out the door for church, grocery shopping, and bible study made me quake in my new mommy boots (I say that as past tense... but it's still terrifying). Now, as he's about to hit the 3 month mark and pass from newborn to infant, few things have really changed. Laundry and dishes take days of planning and failed attempts to accomplish. My house is a mess as the normal clutter is buried under soggy burp cloths and attempted tasks (like thank you cards and birth announcements) that keep piling up. The one significant difference is my budding confidence that I might actually be able to do this!
I am so amazed by my friends with older babies. How the heck have you all managed to make it look so easy? Or my dear SIL Jenn, who has FOUR beautiful children, and manages to keep them entertained, learning, and yes, flourishing.
My lack of confidence is what really got me. Were (are) we making the right decisions? Why does he spit up so much? Why is there poop everywhere? How the hell are you supposed to know if a baby has diarrhea when every bm looks like soup? I feel like my capacity for worry (which was huge before) has grown as exponentially as my capacity for patience and love.
I am definitely becoming a better person as I learn how to be Dan's mama. Even in small things, I'm working harder to be the example of the person I want Daniel to be. I put shopping carts back in the corrals, spit gum into the trash, stopped littering, and re-hang clothes I bump over in department stores every time! As Lucy says, it's the little things we do that mean anything.
Daniel is getting smarter, stronger, and sweeter every day. Seeing Jake interact with him is making me fall in love with my husband in new, deeper ways. There is nothing in the world like my little family. As I go through each new day, even in the worry and hard work and occasional loneliness, four words echo over and over in my head- God is so good.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Mommyhood thus far
Daniel is here! He was born at 11:35am on Wednesday, August 18th by c-section. He was 9lbs. 6oz, and was 20.5 inches long. He is the sweetest little bundle of joy I've ever seen, and SO handsome.
Labor sucked (kinda), and here's the story: I had a non-stress test Monday morning, where they determined that the amniotic fluid was low. Anything under 5cm they send to the hospital, and I only had 1.5, so she sent us to Palomar to have me admitted and induced right away. We went to the hospital, where the doctor started me on Cervadil, which is supposed to gently induce labor in 12ish hours... I did that twice. I was so tired and stressed out, with IVs and monitors everywhere, and not able to eat anything. Tuesday afternoon (remember that I checked in at 10am Monday morning), the doctor decided to give me an epidural and start Pitocin. They did this all night, but there were like 3 times in the next 12 hours that Daniel had latent decelerations (heartbeat slowed way down), so after this happened the 3rd time they decided I needed a c-section before it turned into an emergency situation. I thank God that I didn't know how serious these decelerations were- I was stressed out and terrified enough. I guess I should have known by the 6 nurses and 2 doctors who came in at one point, but I just thought it was because my nurse was new... lol. God bless the dummies like me.
The c-section itself was terrible. They added a stronger drug to my epidural, but I felt a lot of the procedure. "Tugging and pressure" my ass, dude. I felt the whole thing. Next baby, we're doing a spinal block or general anesthesia, because that was crap. When they took me into the OR, Jake was told to wait by the door, and they'd get him in 10-15 minutes. They didn't end up bringing him in for 45 minutes, which was terrifying for both of us. At one point I actually thought that they started without him. Jake was so wonderful the entire time, though. He was brave and strong when I couldn't be, and he made me feel so much better, even when my incessant shaking and crying were terrifying him. I've always known that he's the most wonderful man in the world, and this confirmed it even more.
I'm so glad that the whole thing is over and Daniel is here, safe and sound and strong. The fear that comes with love this strong is crazy. I wanted so badly for him to arrive safely!
I'm healing pretty well from the c-section. I swear the tape that they used for all of the bandages and dressings were/are far worse to remove than the staples were. I had 18 staples removed last week, and I felt a bit of a twinge with each one. The tape residue is still on me, and I can't get it off with anything. I've used lotion, soap, rubbing alcohol, oil, and plain old picking at it, but I'm still covered in sticky residue. I also have 25+ Steri Strips across my incision which aren't coming off, and I am NOT inclined to just rip them off. My skin was cut clean through!! It was already back together, why should I have to rip tape off of it?! Boo.
So Daniel is 2 weeks old today. He has so much personality already! His big, bright eyes follow Jake around the room (as far as he can see), and he knits his little eyebrows together in concentration to figure out faces. He has beautiful little hands with long fingers, and he can't keep them from curling up by his face. He likes a pacifier sometimes (not often), but only when his tummy is full, butt is clean, body is swaddled and he feels well-snuggled. He doesn't cry much (I know, I'm jinxing it--but he's proving that statement wrong today already!). He loves to be held, and today he's only interested in sleeping if it's in my arms. I love snuggling his warm little body and watching his sweet face, though. He is SO handsome! I know I'm prejudiced, but I truly believe that he is the cutest little man that has ever been born. He's very aware and active, and I love watching his bright eyes process all of the new things happening in the world around him.
He seems to like it when I sing to him, but I can't for the life of me think of any songs when I'm holding him. We're stuck on a rotation of 'Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing' (the 3 verses I remember) and 'How Great Thou Art' (only the first verse). I love both of these hymns, but it would be nice to switch it up. Any suggestions?
So anyway, the moral of the story is: I love Daniel with my whole heart, and I love being his mommy. I do NOT like the process of having babies. There is only one good thing about the whole process, and it is not appropriate to discuss publicly. Like Jake says, it's hard to find anything good about being a girl... lol. But since being a girl gives me the privilege of taking care of this little bundle of joy and potential, I guess I'm resigned to it. As it turns out, God knows what He's about. :)
Dan is so precious! He's a funny, handsome, red-and-white little man. I can't decide if his hair is red or brown or blonde- it changes in every light, but always with red undertones. He has beautiful ears, and overall looks just like his papa. Jake doesn't think Dan looks too much like him, but definitely thinks he looks familiar. We saw Dan for the first time and recognized him immediately. Of course he's ours! I did have the strangest feeling for a week that he wasn't mine, though. I wasn't able to do much with him because of my c-section, so he felt like a stranger for a little while. Again, Jake came to the rescue and helped me figure everything out. I'm so blessed to be married to that man!
Uh-oh! my little man is waking up. He hasn't slept more than 30 minutes in his crib today, since he evidently prefers that I don't clean the house (sorry, Jake!). Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cherish his snuggly little warm body and bright eyes, and pray my hardest that he doesn't turn into a colicky baby (for reals- I'm so skurred).
Labor sucked (kinda), and here's the story: I had a non-stress test Monday morning, where they determined that the amniotic fluid was low. Anything under 5cm they send to the hospital, and I only had 1.5, so she sent us to Palomar to have me admitted and induced right away. We went to the hospital, where the doctor started me on Cervadil, which is supposed to gently induce labor in 12ish hours... I did that twice. I was so tired and stressed out, with IVs and monitors everywhere, and not able to eat anything. Tuesday afternoon (remember that I checked in at 10am Monday morning), the doctor decided to give me an epidural and start Pitocin. They did this all night, but there were like 3 times in the next 12 hours that Daniel had latent decelerations (heartbeat slowed way down), so after this happened the 3rd time they decided I needed a c-section before it turned into an emergency situation. I thank God that I didn't know how serious these decelerations were- I was stressed out and terrified enough. I guess I should have known by the 6 nurses and 2 doctors who came in at one point, but I just thought it was because my nurse was new... lol. God bless the dummies like me.
The c-section itself was terrible. They added a stronger drug to my epidural, but I felt a lot of the procedure. "Tugging and pressure" my ass, dude. I felt the whole thing. Next baby, we're doing a spinal block or general anesthesia, because that was crap. When they took me into the OR, Jake was told to wait by the door, and they'd get him in 10-15 minutes. They didn't end up bringing him in for 45 minutes, which was terrifying for both of us. At one point I actually thought that they started without him. Jake was so wonderful the entire time, though. He was brave and strong when I couldn't be, and he made me feel so much better, even when my incessant shaking and crying were terrifying him. I've always known that he's the most wonderful man in the world, and this confirmed it even more.
I'm so glad that the whole thing is over and Daniel is here, safe and sound and strong. The fear that comes with love this strong is crazy. I wanted so badly for him to arrive safely!
I'm healing pretty well from the c-section. I swear the tape that they used for all of the bandages and dressings were/are far worse to remove than the staples were. I had 18 staples removed last week, and I felt a bit of a twinge with each one. The tape residue is still on me, and I can't get it off with anything. I've used lotion, soap, rubbing alcohol, oil, and plain old picking at it, but I'm still covered in sticky residue. I also have 25+ Steri Strips across my incision which aren't coming off, and I am NOT inclined to just rip them off. My skin was cut clean through!! It was already back together, why should I have to rip tape off of it?! Boo.
So Daniel is 2 weeks old today. He has so much personality already! His big, bright eyes follow Jake around the room (as far as he can see), and he knits his little eyebrows together in concentration to figure out faces. He has beautiful little hands with long fingers, and he can't keep them from curling up by his face. He likes a pacifier sometimes (not often), but only when his tummy is full, butt is clean, body is swaddled and he feels well-snuggled. He doesn't cry much (I know, I'm jinxing it--but he's proving that statement wrong today already!). He loves to be held, and today he's only interested in sleeping if it's in my arms. I love snuggling his warm little body and watching his sweet face, though. He is SO handsome! I know I'm prejudiced, but I truly believe that he is the cutest little man that has ever been born. He's very aware and active, and I love watching his bright eyes process all of the new things happening in the world around him.
He seems to like it when I sing to him, but I can't for the life of me think of any songs when I'm holding him. We're stuck on a rotation of 'Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing' (the 3 verses I remember) and 'How Great Thou Art' (only the first verse). I love both of these hymns, but it would be nice to switch it up. Any suggestions?
So anyway, the moral of the story is: I love Daniel with my whole heart, and I love being his mommy. I do NOT like the process of having babies. There is only one good thing about the whole process, and it is not appropriate to discuss publicly. Like Jake says, it's hard to find anything good about being a girl... lol. But since being a girl gives me the privilege of taking care of this little bundle of joy and potential, I guess I'm resigned to it. As it turns out, God knows what He's about. :)
Dan is so precious! He's a funny, handsome, red-and-white little man. I can't decide if his hair is red or brown or blonde- it changes in every light, but always with red undertones. He has beautiful ears, and overall looks just like his papa. Jake doesn't think Dan looks too much like him, but definitely thinks he looks familiar. We saw Dan for the first time and recognized him immediately. Of course he's ours! I did have the strangest feeling for a week that he wasn't mine, though. I wasn't able to do much with him because of my c-section, so he felt like a stranger for a little while. Again, Jake came to the rescue and helped me figure everything out. I'm so blessed to be married to that man!
Uh-oh! my little man is waking up. He hasn't slept more than 30 minutes in his crib today, since he evidently prefers that I don't clean the house (sorry, Jake!). Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cherish his snuggly little warm body and bright eyes, and pray my hardest that he doesn't turn into a colicky baby (for reals- I'm so skurred).
Monday, July 26, 2010
Oh, baby!
OMG... I'm having a baby sometime in the next 3 weeks. As excited as I am, that's a seriously terrifying thought. I accidentally read a book called Your Body After Baby... that was a bad idea. It's the scariest thing I've ever read. I've also been reading a lot on the Mayo Clinic website- it's super helpful to see what to expect, and how to make things feel better.
I'm really nervous about this. I'm really excited for Daniel, but I still feel a little bit like it isn't real. I can't imagine what it'll be like to have a child. I'm pretty worried already about postpartum depression, because the following describes how I'm feeling now (and my hormone levels haven't even dropped yet, nor am I sleep deprived):
"Emotional factors. When you're sleep deprived and overwhelmed, you may have trouble handling even minor problems. You may be anxious about your ability to care for a newborn. You may feel less attractive or struggle with your sense of identity. You may feel that you've lost control over your life. Any of these factors can contribute to postpartum depression."
My life is completely out of control. I'm not attractive and I have no idea who I am or how this baby fits in to who I am/will become. I know I need to trust God to handle this, but I don't know how to right now.
I'm really hoping that childbirth is like pregnancy- it sucks, but isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. Maybe my pessimism will end up being good? lol. Can it really be as bad as I'm expecting? (probably). I've never really been pessimistic before though, so I don't know how this is going to work out.
Mostly, the point of this blog is to say that I'm terrified. I love my son and I'm excited about our growing family. I know Jake wishes I'd focus on the positive, but I don't really know how from the perspective of my paralyzing terror. Childbirth sounds like something I can handle. Postpartum recovery, not so much.
I can't wait to meet Daniel, though. I can't wait to see what he's going to look like, what his little personality will be like, what kind of little person he'll grow to be. I'm so excited to hold him and kiss him and smell his sweet baby smell. I just wish I could do it all with my own body, and not the strange, torn, stretched out, engorged atrocity I'll be stuck in.
Ugh. I want to go home.
I'm really nervous about this. I'm really excited for Daniel, but I still feel a little bit like it isn't real. I can't imagine what it'll be like to have a child. I'm pretty worried already about postpartum depression, because the following describes how I'm feeling now (and my hormone levels haven't even dropped yet, nor am I sleep deprived):
"Emotional factors. When you're sleep deprived and overwhelmed, you may have trouble handling even minor problems. You may be anxious about your ability to care for a newborn. You may feel less attractive or struggle with your sense of identity. You may feel that you've lost control over your life. Any of these factors can contribute to postpartum depression."
My life is completely out of control. I'm not attractive and I have no idea who I am or how this baby fits in to who I am/will become. I know I need to trust God to handle this, but I don't know how to right now.
I'm really hoping that childbirth is like pregnancy- it sucks, but isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. Maybe my pessimism will end up being good? lol. Can it really be as bad as I'm expecting? (probably). I've never really been pessimistic before though, so I don't know how this is going to work out.
Mostly, the point of this blog is to say that I'm terrified. I love my son and I'm excited about our growing family. I know Jake wishes I'd focus on the positive, but I don't really know how from the perspective of my paralyzing terror. Childbirth sounds like something I can handle. Postpartum recovery, not so much.
I can't wait to meet Daniel, though. I can't wait to see what he's going to look like, what his little personality will be like, what kind of little person he'll grow to be. I'm so excited to hold him and kiss him and smell his sweet baby smell. I just wish I could do it all with my own body, and not the strange, torn, stretched out, engorged atrocity I'll be stuck in.
Ugh. I want to go home.
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