Oh, baby!

OMG... I'm having a baby sometime in the next 3 weeks. As excited as I am, that's a seriously terrifying thought. I accidentally read a book called Your Body After Baby... that was a bad idea. It's the scariest thing I've ever read. I've also been reading a lot on the Mayo Clinic website- it's super helpful to see what to expect, and how to make things feel better.

I'm really nervous about this. I'm really excited for Daniel, but I still feel a little bit like it isn't real. I can't imagine what it'll be like to have a child. I'm pretty worried already about postpartum depression, because the following describes how I'm feeling now (and my hormone levels haven't even dropped yet, nor am I sleep deprived):

"Emotional factors. When you're sleep deprived and overwhelmed, you may have trouble handling even minor problems. You may be anxious about your ability to care for a newborn. You may feel less attractive or struggle with your sense of identity. You may feel that you've lost control over your life. Any of these factors can contribute to postpartum depression."

My life is completely out of control. I'm not attractive and I have no idea who I am or how this baby fits in to who I am/will become. I know I need to trust God to handle this, but I don't know how to right now.

I'm really hoping that childbirth is like pregnancy- it sucks, but isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. Maybe my pessimism will end up being good? lol. Can it really be as bad as I'm expecting? (probably). I've never really been pessimistic before though, so I don't know how this is going to work out.

Mostly, the point of this blog is to say that I'm terrified. I love my son and I'm excited about our growing family. I know Jake wishes I'd focus on the positive, but I don't really know how from the perspective of my paralyzing terror. Childbirth sounds like something I can handle. Postpartum recovery, not so much.

I can't wait to meet Daniel, though. I can't wait to see what he's going to look like, what his little personality will be like, what kind of little person he'll grow to be. I'm so excited to hold him and kiss him and smell his sweet baby smell. I just wish I could do it all with my own body, and not the strange, torn, stretched out, engorged atrocity I'll be stuck in.

Ugh. I want to go home.