Pictures!

Dan is the sweetest baby in the world! I love his gummy smile and the occasional laugh we squeeze out of him. :)
Here's Dan and Abby, Mike and Amy's 6 month old.


Here's Dan's surprised face... I tend to get this a lot when I'm taking pictures of him!


Dan and Jake watching the Steelers game is the cutest thing in the world!


Dan and I took a trip up to Julian (San Diego's Oak Glen)


His sweet half-smile is my favorite thing.



And he's getting really good at grasping things! He loves chewing on this teething butterfly.



Speaking of sweet babies, he's waking up from his 20 minute nap... guh. Off I go! If tucking the pacifier back in doesn't work, we've got a long day ahead of us.

Pressing on

I've been meaning to post for months, but babies are hard! I never seem to find time. Sometimes while feeding Dan in the middle of the night I plan out blogs, thinking of what I'll say to document my baby's brilliance, milestones, and thousand sweetnesses. Only now, when he's almost 12 weeks and the house is finally quiet, am I managing to post even one update. Such is life, I guess!

The first months were very difficult. Sleep deprivation, colic, and lack of confidence made everything seem worse than it was. I went from calmly, kindly, logically explaining to Daniel why he shouldn't be crying for hours on end to laughing at myself for trying to sobbing hysterically to match his crying. Trying to get him ready and out the door for church, grocery shopping, and bible study made me quake in my new mommy boots (I say that as past tense... but it's still terrifying). Now, as he's about to hit the 3 month mark and pass from newborn to infant, few things have really changed. Laundry and dishes take days of planning and failed attempts to accomplish. My house is a mess as the normal clutter is buried under soggy burp cloths and attempted tasks (like thank you cards and birth announcements) that keep piling up. The one significant difference is my budding confidence that I might actually be able to do this!

I am so amazed by my friends with older babies. How the heck have you all managed to make it look so easy? Or my dear SIL Jenn, who has FOUR beautiful children, and manages to keep them entertained, learning, and yes, flourishing.

My lack of confidence is what really got me. Were (are) we making the right decisions? Why does he spit up so much? Why is there poop everywhere? How the hell are you supposed to know if a baby has diarrhea when every bm looks like soup? I feel like my capacity for worry (which was huge before) has grown as exponentially as my capacity for patience and love.

I am definitely becoming a better person as I learn how to be Dan's mama. Even in small things, I'm working harder to be the example of the person I want Daniel to be. I put shopping carts back in the corrals, spit gum into the trash, stopped littering, and re-hang clothes I bump over in department stores every time! As Lucy says, it's the little things we do that mean anything.

Daniel is getting smarter, stronger, and sweeter every day. Seeing Jake interact with him is making me fall in love with my husband in new, deeper ways. There is nothing in the world like my little family. As I go through each new day, even in the worry and hard work and occasional loneliness, four words echo over and over in my head- God is so good.

Mommyhood thus far

Daniel is here! He was born at 11:35am on Wednesday, August 18th by c-section. He was 9lbs. 6oz, and was 20.5 inches long. He is the sweetest little bundle of joy I've ever seen, and SO handsome.

Labor sucked (kinda), and here's the story: I had a non-stress test Monday morning, where they determined that the amniotic fluid was low. Anything under 5cm they send to the hospital, and I only had 1.5, so she sent us to Palomar to have me admitted and induced right away. We went to the hospital, where the doctor started me on Cervadil, which is supposed to gently induce labor in 12ish hours... I did that twice. I was so tired and stressed out, with IVs and monitors everywhere, and not able to eat anything. Tuesday afternoon (remember that I checked in at 10am Monday morning), the doctor decided to give me an epidural and start Pitocin. They did this all night, but there were like 3 times in the next 12 hours that Daniel had latent decelerations (heartbeat slowed way down), so after this happened the 3rd time they decided I needed a c-section before it turned into an emergency situation. I thank God that I didn't know how serious these decelerations were- I was stressed out and terrified enough. I guess I should have known by the 6 nurses and 2 doctors who came in at one point, but I just thought it was because my nurse was new... lol. God bless the dummies like me.
The c-section itself was terrible. They added a stronger drug to my epidural, but I felt a lot of the procedure. "Tugging and pressure" my ass, dude. I felt the whole thing. Next baby, we're doing a spinal block or general anesthesia, because that was crap. When they took me into the OR, Jake was told to wait by the door, and they'd get him in 10-15 minutes. They didn't end up bringing him in for 45 minutes, which was terrifying for both of us. At one point I actually thought that they started without him. Jake was so wonderful the entire time, though. He was brave and strong when I couldn't be, and he made me feel so much better, even when my incessant shaking and crying were terrifying him. I've always known that he's the most wonderful man in the world, and this confirmed it even more.

I'm so glad that the whole thing is over and Daniel is here, safe and sound and strong. The fear that comes with love this strong is crazy. I wanted so badly for him to arrive safely!

I'm healing pretty well from the c-section. I swear the tape that they used for all of the bandages and dressings were/are far worse to remove than the staples were. I had 18 staples removed last week, and I felt a bit of a twinge with each one. The tape residue is still on me, and I can't get it off with anything. I've used lotion, soap, rubbing alcohol, oil, and plain old picking at it, but I'm still covered in sticky residue. I also have 25+ Steri Strips across my incision which aren't coming off, and I am NOT inclined to just rip them off. My skin was cut clean through!! It was already back together, why should I have to rip tape off of it?! Boo.

So Daniel is 2 weeks old today. He has so much personality already! His big, bright eyes follow Jake around the room (as far as he can see), and he knits his little eyebrows together in concentration to figure out faces. He has beautiful little hands with long fingers, and he can't keep them from curling up by his face. He likes a pacifier sometimes (not often), but only when his tummy is full, butt is clean, body is swaddled and he feels well-snuggled. He doesn't cry much (I know, I'm jinxing it--but he's proving that statement wrong today already!). He loves to be held, and today he's only interested in sleeping if it's in my arms. I love snuggling his warm little body and watching his sweet face, though. He is SO handsome! I know I'm prejudiced, but I truly believe that he is the cutest little man that has ever been born. He's very aware and active, and I love watching his bright eyes process all of the new things happening in the world around him.

He seems to like it when I sing to him, but I can't for the life of me think of any songs when I'm holding him. We're stuck on a rotation of 'Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing' (the 3 verses I remember) and 'How Great Thou Art' (only the first verse). I love both of these hymns, but it would be nice to switch it up. Any suggestions?

So anyway, the moral of the story is: I love Daniel with my whole heart, and I love being his mommy. I do NOT like the process of having babies. There is only one good thing about the whole process, and it is not appropriate to discuss publicly. Like Jake says, it's hard to find anything good about being a girl... lol. But since being a girl gives me the privilege of taking care of this little bundle of joy and potential, I guess I'm resigned to it. As it turns out, God knows what He's about. :)

Dan is so precious! He's a funny, handsome, red-and-white little man. I can't decide if his hair is red or brown or blonde- it changes in every light, but always with red undertones. He has beautiful ears, and overall looks just like his papa. Jake doesn't think Dan looks too much like him, but definitely thinks he looks familiar. We saw Dan for the first time and recognized him immediately. Of course he's ours! I did have the strangest feeling for a week that he wasn't mine, though. I wasn't able to do much with him because of my c-section, so he felt like a stranger for a little while. Again, Jake came to the rescue and helped me figure everything out. I'm so blessed to be married to that man!

Uh-oh! my little man is waking up. He hasn't slept more than 30 minutes in his crib today, since he evidently prefers that I don't clean the house (sorry, Jake!). Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cherish his snuggly little warm body and bright eyes, and pray my hardest that he doesn't turn into a colicky baby (for reals- I'm so skurred).

Oh, baby!

OMG... I'm having a baby sometime in the next 3 weeks. As excited as I am, that's a seriously terrifying thought. I accidentally read a book called Your Body After Baby... that was a bad idea. It's the scariest thing I've ever read. I've also been reading a lot on the Mayo Clinic website- it's super helpful to see what to expect, and how to make things feel better.

I'm really nervous about this. I'm really excited for Daniel, but I still feel a little bit like it isn't real. I can't imagine what it'll be like to have a child. I'm pretty worried already about postpartum depression, because the following describes how I'm feeling now (and my hormone levels haven't even dropped yet, nor am I sleep deprived):

"Emotional factors. When you're sleep deprived and overwhelmed, you may have trouble handling even minor problems. You may be anxious about your ability to care for a newborn. You may feel less attractive or struggle with your sense of identity. You may feel that you've lost control over your life. Any of these factors can contribute to postpartum depression."

My life is completely out of control. I'm not attractive and I have no idea who I am or how this baby fits in to who I am/will become. I know I need to trust God to handle this, but I don't know how to right now.

I'm really hoping that childbirth is like pregnancy- it sucks, but isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. Maybe my pessimism will end up being good? lol. Can it really be as bad as I'm expecting? (probably). I've never really been pessimistic before though, so I don't know how this is going to work out.

Mostly, the point of this blog is to say that I'm terrified. I love my son and I'm excited about our growing family. I know Jake wishes I'd focus on the positive, but I don't really know how from the perspective of my paralyzing terror. Childbirth sounds like something I can handle. Postpartum recovery, not so much.

I can't wait to meet Daniel, though. I can't wait to see what he's going to look like, what his little personality will be like, what kind of little person he'll grow to be. I'm so excited to hold him and kiss him and smell his sweet baby smell. I just wish I could do it all with my own body, and not the strange, torn, stretched out, engorged atrocity I'll be stuck in.

Ugh. I want to go home.

FTR (that's 'for the record', as Devyn would say), being pregnant isn't so bad when I'm not nauseated by everything or breaking out in hives all day. I love my midwife for allowing benedryl, because damn. I really thought I was going to die with those hives.

I've gone through so many things that I was "sure, this time" were causing the hives. I'm talking everything from laundry detergent, lotion, and deodorant to my vitamins, the food at work, and milk. I've cut out each of those things in turn, and to no avail... They keep happening. They almost look like bug bites, but there's no bite mark, no certain time that I break out, and no one else has them. Sometimes they disappear, and sometimes they linger as a rash-- either the same size as the original hive, or it spreads to an inch+ circle. It's so lame.

Sidenote-- I'm watching the Olympics again-- I'm not a fan of speed skating. It isn't fun and it stresses me out hardcore. They always look like they're going to fall, and I'm terrified the entire time that someone will fall and a skate will accidentally slice open a major artery or slice off a finger. I know that's morbid, but I've thought about it every winter that it's on, from when I was a kid. Ha, I'm a worrier by nature, what can I say?

I really need to make a few calls for work and get to bed. Love you all, and can't wait to see some of you this weekend!!

Early pregnancy rant

I'm so bad at posting!! I think about things I should blog throughout the day, but by the time I get home and make dinner and clean up a bit, I'm done.

I'm very distracted by the Olympics right now-- this crazy ice skating man is stressing me out. What's his name? Plushenko. Insane.

Anyway.. I was thinking a lot today about how little my current job and my personal goals fit together. I'm doing a lot of extra work because "it'll be good for my career," but I'm pretty much wasting my time as far as that goes. I need to learn how to say no, because they keep asking me to do stuff, and to consistently go 'above and beyond.' I like working hard and learning new things, which is why I keep saying yes, but I can't see a future here.

Here's the problem- my company is the furthest thing from family friendly there is... they don't pay maternity leave (and this is a big, national, publicly traded company), the hours aren't flexible at all, and working part time isn't even an option. I've been embarrassed by comments from several people, management included, who talk about children like they're they plague, and make it sound like people who want babies are crazy podunks. Time off is discouraged, and coming in late/leaving early is almost never okay, even if planned. It's so bad they could advertise to the young and hip as anti-family.

Everyone there expects me to hate being pregnant, hate starting a family, hate that I have to "give up" working for a few months... what?!!?!??!? Are you kidding me with that? Why would I be excited to leave my precious little person that God let Jake and I make to come back to a meaningless, mind-numbing, thankless job? Everyone keeps saying, "Wow, maternity leave seems so long! You'll want to come back before it's over so you can get on with life and get away from the screaming kid."

Umm... Okay? Because my life goal is to pop out a brat, send it on to daycare at the ripe old age of 6 weeks, wash my hands of it, and move on with my life! Right back in to a tiny, sunless cubicle where I make absolutely no difference in the world but climb the corporate ladder because I'm marginally smarter than the other idiots they hired. Right.

Jake and I have the luxury of each other in a strong, healthy relationship, so we'll be able to share work and home responsibilities- just not with me working a full-time 9-5. I guess it sounds weird in the corporate world, but I want my baby, and I want to be there to love it and help it grow into a big, strong, loving, smart person. I have the love and attention span to take care of something helpless. I don't care if my 'career' will be ruined- it wasn't really worth doing in the first place. I'm going to raise a loving and loved child who will know its parents and be happy in the knowledge that we love him/her and are there for (him) and have time for (her). Our child isn't going to be the afterthought if our lives, a trophy or check mark for life that we only play with when it's convenient. I'm making a person, and working damn hard at it, too.

My baby is a person. I love the lil' nugget, and I won't be looked down on for that.

P.S., I'm gonna be so super stoked when we find out what it is, and can stop referring to it as an it...

Life altering, to say the least

So... I'm making a baby (Jake helped)! It's a crazy, crazy thing that I haven't come anywhere close to wrapping my brain around.

There are so many different things going through my head right now, and my spinning thoughts have even slowed from last week when we found out. All of last week I could barely function because my brain was moving so fast, trying to figure out every angle of this pregnancy thing, and what it entails. Past, present,and future feel like a spinning kaleidoscope, and I can't seem to focus on any one thing.

Ha, I've used the word 'spinning' like 20 times already, but that's what it feels like (okay, I just edited a few out, only two left).

[10 minutes where I stare blankly at the screen]

Mmmm... my thoughts aren't organized enough to blog. Suffice it to say that I'm nauseated all the time, my lovely lady lumps hurt hardcore, and I want to sleep 12 hours a day. I hear the sleep thing gets way worse. I'm not stoked for that.

Ugh, okay. I'm done. Stay tuned, folks! I'm going to make a conscious effort to blog. I'm thinking I'll want to remember this stuff, and some out-of-towners might even be interested in hearing it. I'll try not to be too honest, for posterity's sake. :)

Peace.