Wanderlust

I'm tired tonight. It's not a good tired, from a day well spent, or a bad tired, when the day was just too much. Just tired. I feel like I have nothing left to give the world tonight. I know I will feel better tomorrow, so in a way it is a good kind of tired, not the dark kind.

I was thinking back about old times today, before I had anything planned out. How free I must have felt, once upon a time. I don't remember it now.

I love my life. I love my husband, my sweet baby, and the little life we've built for ourselves here. I love that we're expanding and growing and meeting new people and doing new things. I firmly believe that the grass is greener here, but sometimes remembering how it used to be stirs up old feelings of restlessness and a little bit of empty mourning for the way things might have been. What if I had gone to Europe that semester? What if I had moved to Portland when I wanted to and had nothing to stop me? What if I had ignored my fears and actually done something, experienced more things?

I'm so glad I have my two sweet men to experience this beautiful life with. I just wish I had fought past my inherent timidity to do things on my own, just so that I'd know I was capable of it. Places I go now and many things I'll experience will be riding on the coattails of someone else's force of personality. I wouldn't change where we are now for anything, but I do wish I knew if I could have done more.

I want to go exploring.