Nervous

My good friend is in the hospital today, being treated for viral meningitis, but being tested for listeria & other things. She's 14ish weeks pregnant, and this is really scary. Life & friends & babies are so precious.

Will you pray with me?

Soup

I'm not sure what it is about turkey soup in particular, but every time I make it I feel like a wonderful wife & mother. Maybe it's something about using every bit of an animal & using so many vegetables that have been in the fridge for a while-- it makes me happy to not waste anything. Maybe it's knowing that I'm making something nutritious that's also stinkin' tasty. I love being able to customize the recipe for what we like-- lots of carrots & onions for jake, extra rosemary & garlic for me.
There's just something so homey about making a big pot of soup on a chilly day. I love knowing that we'll be able to eat this for several days (including when Dan & I are out of town, so Jake will feel my love from far away), and we'll be able to have good, good food in the freezer for a lazy day.

I sound like Susie-freakin-Homemaker, but this makes me happy. :) I wish you all could come over to smell this & share the love.

Wanderlust

I'm tired tonight. It's not a good tired, from a day well spent, or a bad tired, when the day was just too much. Just tired. I feel like I have nothing left to give the world tonight. I know I will feel better tomorrow, so in a way it is a good kind of tired, not the dark kind.

I was thinking back about old times today, before I had anything planned out. How free I must have felt, once upon a time. I don't remember it now.

I love my life. I love my husband, my sweet baby, and the little life we've built for ourselves here. I love that we're expanding and growing and meeting new people and doing new things. I firmly believe that the grass is greener here, but sometimes remembering how it used to be stirs up old feelings of restlessness and a little bit of empty mourning for the way things might have been. What if I had gone to Europe that semester? What if I had moved to Portland when I wanted to and had nothing to stop me? What if I had ignored my fears and actually done something, experienced more things?

I'm so glad I have my two sweet men to experience this beautiful life with. I just wish I had fought past my inherent timidity to do things on my own, just so that I'd know I was capable of it. Places I go now and many things I'll experience will be riding on the coattails of someone else's force of personality. I wouldn't change where we are now for anything, but I do wish I knew if I could have done more.

I want to go exploring.

This I believe:

I found an old school assignment in some papers today. I think it's worth revisiting.

This I Believe:

I am saved by grace, through Jesus Christ, the son of & part of God.

He loves unconditionally, and there is nothing I can do to increase or lessen his love for me.

I am called to glorify God in everything I do: writing, music, poetry, love, and every other aspect of life.

Genuinely caring about people makes life sweeter & makes the world around us a better place.

The proverbial little things in life make more difference than big things. That, or they make the big things important.

Love conquers all.

Truth is revolutionary, and often painful, but is eventually essential to true happiness and living in the fullest sense of the word.

Passion is important, essential even, but only when directed toward something real, important, or beautiful. Misdirected passion is an ugly, dangerous thing, as opposed to a dangerous & beautiful thing.

Emotion must be balanced with thought.

Responsibility and duty are extremely important to a fulfilling life. They are noble and are mainstays of good character.

Music touches the soul like nothing else can do.

Self-expression is essential for originality, but originality should very rarely be a goal in & of itself. Being yourself, original or not, is what is important.

Through God, all things work out to be good for those who trust & follow him, whether the good is in this life or the next.

Love is the most important thing in the world, and should be behind everything we do: the motivating force.

It's okay to change who you are, if it's for your betterment.

Most of American culture is crap.

Family should be our foundation only if Christ is the cornerstone.

People are people, regardless of race, culture, religion, sex, sexual orientation, social status, etc., and as such, should be treated with respect.

Not agreeing with someone does not justify violence or even anger towards them.

I believe in defending the weak & helpless, putting others before myself, and trying to live in humility and peace.

Sometimes peace isn't possible because the right thing must be done.

Action = Life, Silence = Death.

It is possible to be a conservative Libertarian, bleeding heart liberal, and a tiny bit anarchist all at the same time.

The ideas and love of Christ are more revolutionary than any other this world has seen.

Innocence is not the same thing as naivete.

Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so gentle as real strength.

'Kind' is a much stronger word than 'nice'. Kindness implies strength with gentleness, power with caring. I believe that this is an important distinction, and that kindness is an essential way of life.

Ruts

I'm reading a book called the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. It's brilliant.

It's reminding me of what it's like to think hard and not fall into life's rut of complacency. I've fallen into several ruts in the recent 'seasons' of my life (PS, I HATE when people call times 'seasons', because it sounds like christianeze and I hate that. It makes me very uncomfortable and feel disconnected from the world and it feels like the person saying it is trying to sound better than you, so I'm sorry for using it).

The first rut began when I started working at AMN and was surrounded by people who didn't try to improve their lives- just glided along the surface of life and didn't care to find anything more. Part of my problem is that I need to be around stimulating people who inspire me, or else I grow insipid and stop caring to connect. This could be the Christian idea of community, or it could be my narcissistic tendency to need to impress people to make them like me. Everyone at AMN was impressed by my basic desire to do my job well. I don't think this is impressive- it's just how life should work. You work hard to improve yourself and your surroundings, because without that, why are do you even bother working? I know plenty of people who get by without trying. They aren't changing the world.

The first rut was the deepest (ha). The second rut was having a baby. I'm working hard still to raise him well, but again, it doesn't take much to impress a baby. Keep him clean & fed, give him lots of face time and be happy with his accomplishments, and he's happy.

My wonderful, poor, dear husband has enough to deal with trying to support us and take care of family business and make it day-to-day. I should depend on him more for stimulation, but he's so exhausted in the 2ish hours I see him each day that we're content to love each other deeply with what we have left.

Without community, I find that I stop trying as hard. Our growth group only meets once a week. As stimulating as my newfound pleasure in MOPS is, it only meets once every other week. I don't have anyone who spurs me on to daily try hard, be creative, and really think.

I have friends that inspire me, but we don't talk often enough. Lucy, Pieter, MandyB, Jonathan Hines, and others delight and elicit my brain to wake from it's plodding-along-to-get-by to really creating original, interesting, & different thoughts that make life beautiful.

Being Jake's wife is one of the primary highlights of my life. He makes me want to be a better person on a daily basis, and is always encouraging. He thinks I'm funny and witty and sweet, and that means the world to me. I want to remember how to appreciate him for his brilliance and vibrancy and keen understanding of the world around us, but we're always so bogged down by life's worries that our good bits get lost, sometimes.

So, basically, I want three things. One: to depend on Christ for my inspiration and motivation to become better every day. Two: to be near to friends who inspire me to read new things and write creatively and sing and paint and explore and live, and teach Daniel to do the same. Three: to move north- to somewhere that the sun isn't so obtrusive & painful, where the world is green and the sky is grey and Dan and I can go outside without fear.

It could happen, right?

One slice o' paradise, coming right up

So we three are in Ventura this week hanging out with Isaac & Brenna while my MIL is in CO at a conference. We arrived last night around 10, and stayed up chatting until 11. Dan slept the entire car ride & was thoroughly woken up when we got here, so we couldn't get him to sleep until almost midnight. He then woke up at 1AM, and stayed awake and crying until 4. We slept until 6:30AM... and that's all. I think today I need to watch out for the "mommy monster" that Jake always warns Dan about...

Even with the lack of sleep, though, I'm happy to be here. Daniel and I went for a walk this morning, and I was so struck by the differences between here and Escondido. Forgive me for waxing poetic, but for the first time in a great while, I'm feeling inspired.

In Ventura, my MIL's house faces a river bottom. As we walked along the path across the street, my senses were filled with the smells of spruce trees, freshly turned dirt- moist & rich, freshly cut grass baking in the warm sun. More delicious smells that I have no name for drift up from the farmland alongside the river bottom, where the sun & wind together create a soul-thrilling perfume. I heard birds chirping madly & gladly in the bushes & trees, bees swarming (eek!) in the trees above my head, fellow wandering souls giving cheery (& non-threatening) hellos & good mornings. My heart was filled with joy overflowing as I watched the world around me. A ring of mountains around us, strong and ageless, trees old enough to be tall, strong, & glad in their might. I have to tilt my head all the way back to see their dizzying heights with the bees & birds in their uppermost branches. Dogs run free along the path, giddy with chasing & returning toys. A cool breeze balances the warm sun, and I feel all of the joy that I've been missing in our crowded, bustling, walled-in city.

I realize that this romanticizing isn't necessarily realistic- the gap in socioeconomic statuses of these neighborhoods is wide, but I don't think that the money factor is the only difference, not by a long shot. Here there are somewhat large single family homes, and we live in a condo complex where apartments have 2 bedrooms each. The difference that I noticed on my walk today, though- these houses are well kept. Trees & shrubs are trimmed, walkways are clean, the grass is cut, there isn't trash everywhere or gum & glass on the sidewalk or graffiti covering every surface. In San Diego, many 2br condos have 6-10 people crowded in, all of whom are apparently hell-bent on destroying their own neighborhood. Trash piles upon the porches. Lights that Jake dutifully fixes around the complex are broken as soon as they're repaired, much the same way that graffiti covers the freshly painted fences, walls, & garage doors that he just covered to erase the foul language & stupid symbols. While out painting & fixing lights (all on public areas of the complex) Jake has had the police called on him 3 times. The police show up 15 minutes later, confusedly asking Jake why he's cleaning up the neighborhood, & if he's being paid to do it (he's not). Any time that I go for a walk around our neighborhood at home, I'm made uncomfortable by people staring, crossing to the other side of the street to avoid me, or aggressively maintaining eye contact & forcing me & the stroller off of the sidewalk because they won't move (ftr, I hate wanna-be thugs in their teens & twenties).

Jake is always telling me that I'm the compassionate bleeding-heart in our relationship, leaving him free to be the asshole. :) I love people- I really do. I just don't want to be penned in & walled up & crowded with them on a regular basis. The elephant races held in the apartment above ours at all hours of the day & night irritate me more than I can say, but I couldn't ask them to tiptoe around their own home or keep their toddler from running and bouncing balls and playing in his own room. It's just one of those things that comes with the territory of living below a family of 7 (who also run a daycare).

As much as I love people, I feel the need to live in less proximity to so many of them. I need to breathe air not filled with car exhaust, to see mountains, to touch trees that are big & old & joyful in their strength, to hear outside noises like birds and wind and occasional silence. There are no mountains near me at home. Trees are young and sickly and penned in like the children who play in the back alley. The sounds we hear are of the busy intersection, the families yelling, the teenagers fighting on their walks home from school, circling each other on the corner while their classmates jeer & cheer them on.

Jake & Daniel make the inside of our house a wonderful, homey slice of heaven, but we can't step outside without being reminded that we're not welcome there. We've tried to make friends with our neighbors, but no one is interested. I know that we need to bless the world around us, but we're both people who love quiet & peace, and we both need time alone (and I mean really alone) to recharge & be available to the people around us.

All of this to say, I guess, that I'd give just about anything to live here. I know we couldn't afford one of these houses, but a smaller place nearby and walks with my MIL in her quiet neighborhood sound delightful. Besides- moving to Ventura would be closer to where I want to be. Say it with me if you know me: NORTH!

4 months

Sometimes I put off blogging because I feel guilty that I haven't done it in so long. Today, after a long battle for nap time with Daniel, I want to get something, anything out. I know he'll wake up in a few minutes (we had the quite the battle to start nap time), but I think it's important to document this crazy, beautiful, sleep-deprived time. I already can't remember things from the 2 weeks after Dan was born-- although I think the c-section recovery, vicodin and 4 hours of sleep per night may have played a part in that.

We're getting to the point of sleep training with Daniel. Jake wanted to start it earlier, but I was being sentimental about how little he was and how dark and scary the world is (lol). I know (knew) that I was being silly, especially since I was frustrated night after night with how we needed to pat his little butt for an hour, and then again when he woke up during the night. I figure of all the things to be silly about, though, loving him too much isn't going to hurt him. He's just now exhibiting signs of knowing that he can manipulate us with crying, fake coughing, etc. As sad as I am to get to this point, it's amazing to see how clearly the light bulb turns on for him when he figures out something new.

I think that's one of my favorite parts of mommyhood- seeing him discover the world, and in the process rediscovering it for myself. Did you know that little crocodiles on a blanket have 10-minutes of stare-worthiness in them? Who knew? And the grass (okay, weeds) growing in the front yard, dancing in the cold wind are delightful to watch for as long as chilly fingers & cheeks can stand it.

I love how bright his eyes light up when he discovers something new, or when he sees me watching him push up. I clap and cheer for how strong he is, and he smiles a giant, gummy grin, occasionally breaking out into a little crow of delight and bigger push up.

There's nothing in the world like the light reflected as he stares at us with owl-eyed examination. I read in a book once a baby's eyes described as "orbs of light", and that sounds exactly right to me. Deep, intent, dark blue orbs reflecting the pure light within. I'm finally understanding again the innocence of children.

I'm also seeing human nature in fine form. His temper tantrums are rare so far (of course, he's not even 5 months yet), but they are definitely there. The fit of temper when we lay him down in his crib is funny so far- he kicks and screams with baby rage... and then eventually quiets down when he gets his paci. Jake saw a pacifier once that said "mute button". At the time we thought it was inappropriate... until we had a baby who wouldn't stop crying until we gave him a paci. Silly non-parents and their crazy ideals! I had so many theories on child-rearing before I had a baby. I still do, but now I can see how things change.

I have so much love for my sleep-hating, active & engaging child. I think he's like me, so far. We both need lots of attention/socialization (hey, I'm admitting it!), a routine, and time outside avoiding the sun. He's like Jake, too. He seems to be mechanically minded already, solemn, and a little bit angry. It's delightful!

I'm so happy on this journey. I'm even happier because I got a mini-date with Jake last night. The love of my life had a very rough week, but I enjoyed the time we had to tease each other, eat ice cream, and talk about the wonderful & terrifying turn our life has taken. So he's not on the way to becoming the CFO of a Fortune 500 company, and my ambitions have shifted to being a good mother instead of a good therapist. I'm happy. I'll be happier when I can work in writing & friends & music, but for now, I'm focused. I hope he'll be able to find a fulfilling job soon, especially since struggling to afford to live in a city we don't even like is stupid.

We are blessed- God is good. I'm so happy with my sweet little family.