I'm reading a book called the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. It's brilliant.
It's reminding me of what it's like to think hard and not fall into life's rut of complacency. I've fallen into several ruts in the recent 'seasons' of my life (PS, I HATE when people call times 'seasons', because it sounds like christianeze and I hate that. It makes me very uncomfortable and feel disconnected from the world and it feels like the person saying it is trying to sound better than you, so I'm sorry for using it).
The first rut began when I started working at AMN and was surrounded by people who didn't try to improve their lives- just glided along the surface of life and didn't care to find anything more. Part of my problem is that I need to be around stimulating people who inspire me, or else I grow insipid and stop caring to connect. This could be the Christian idea of community, or it could be my narcissistic tendency to need to impress people to make them like me. Everyone at AMN was impressed by my basic desire to do my job well. I don't think this is impressive- it's just how life should work. You work hard to improve yourself and your surroundings, because without that, why are do you even bother working? I know plenty of people who get by without trying. They aren't changing the world.
The first rut was the deepest (ha). The second rut was having a baby. I'm working hard still to raise him well, but again, it doesn't take much to impress a baby. Keep him clean & fed, give him lots of face time and be happy with his accomplishments, and he's happy.
My wonderful, poor, dear husband has enough to deal with trying to support us and take care of family business and make it day-to-day. I should depend on him more for stimulation, but he's so exhausted in the 2ish hours I see him each day that we're content to love each other deeply with what we have left.
Without community, I find that I stop trying as hard. Our growth group only meets once a week. As stimulating as my newfound pleasure in MOPS is, it only meets once every other week. I don't have anyone who spurs me on to daily try hard, be creative, and really think.
I have friends that inspire me, but we don't talk often enough. Lucy, Pieter, MandyB, Jonathan Hines, and others delight and elicit my brain to wake from it's plodding-along-to-get-by to really creating original, interesting, & different thoughts that make life beautiful.
Being Jake's wife is one of the primary highlights of my life. He makes me want to be a better person on a daily basis, and is always encouraging. He thinks I'm funny and witty and sweet, and that means the world to me. I want to remember how to appreciate him for his brilliance and vibrancy and keen understanding of the world around us, but we're always so bogged down by life's worries that our good bits get lost, sometimes.
So, basically, I want three things. One: to depend on Christ for my inspiration and motivation to become better every day. Two: to be near to friends who inspire me to read new things and write creatively and sing and paint and explore and live, and teach Daniel to do the same. Three: to move north- to somewhere that the sun isn't so obtrusive & painful, where the world is green and the sky is grey and Dan and I can go outside without fear.
It could happen, right?
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
One slice o' paradise, coming right up
So we three are in Ventura this week hanging out with Isaac & Brenna while my MIL is in CO at a conference. We arrived last night around 10, and stayed up chatting until 11. Dan slept the entire car ride & was thoroughly woken up when we got here, so we couldn't get him to sleep until almost midnight. He then woke up at 1AM, and stayed awake and crying until 4. We slept until 6:30AM... and that's all. I think today I need to watch out for the "mommy monster" that Jake always warns Dan about...
Even with the lack of sleep, though, I'm happy to be here. Daniel and I went for a walk this morning, and I was so struck by the differences between here and Escondido. Forgive me for waxing poetic, but for the first time in a great while, I'm feeling inspired.
In Ventura, my MIL's house faces a river bottom. As we walked along the path across the street, my senses were filled with the smells of spruce trees, freshly turned dirt- moist & rich, freshly cut grass baking in the warm sun. More delicious smells that I have no name for drift up from the farmland alongside the river bottom, where the sun & wind together create a soul-thrilling perfume. I heard birds chirping madly & gladly in the bushes & trees, bees swarming (eek!) in the trees above my head, fellow wandering souls giving cheery (& non-threatening) hellos & good mornings. My heart was filled with joy overflowing as I watched the world around me. A ring of mountains around us, strong and ageless, trees old enough to be tall, strong, & glad in their might. I have to tilt my head all the way back to see their dizzying heights with the bees & birds in their uppermost branches. Dogs run free along the path, giddy with chasing & returning toys. A cool breeze balances the warm sun, and I feel all of the joy that I've been missing in our crowded, bustling, walled-in city.
I realize that this romanticizing isn't necessarily realistic- the gap in socioeconomic statuses of these neighborhoods is wide, but I don't think that the money factor is the only difference, not by a long shot. Here there are somewhat large single family homes, and we live in a condo complex where apartments have 2 bedrooms each. The difference that I noticed on my walk today, though- these houses are well kept. Trees & shrubs are trimmed, walkways are clean, the grass is cut, there isn't trash everywhere or gum & glass on the sidewalk or graffiti covering every surface. In San Diego, many 2br condos have 6-10 people crowded in, all of whom are apparently hell-bent on destroying their own neighborhood. Trash piles upon the porches. Lights that Jake dutifully fixes around the complex are broken as soon as they're repaired, much the same way that graffiti covers the freshly painted fences, walls, & garage doors that he just covered to erase the foul language & stupid symbols. While out painting & fixing lights (all on public areas of the complex) Jake has had the police called on him 3 times. The police show up 15 minutes later, confusedly asking Jake why he's cleaning up the neighborhood, & if he's being paid to do it (he's not). Any time that I go for a walk around our neighborhood at home, I'm made uncomfortable by people staring, crossing to the other side of the street to avoid me, or aggressively maintaining eye contact & forcing me & the stroller off of the sidewalk because they won't move (ftr, I hate wanna-be thugs in their teens & twenties).
Jake is always telling me that I'm the compassionate bleeding-heart in our relationship, leaving him free to be the asshole. :) I love people- I really do. I just don't want to be penned in & walled up & crowded with them on a regular basis. The elephant races held in the apartment above ours at all hours of the day & night irritate me more than I can say, but I couldn't ask them to tiptoe around their own home or keep their toddler from running and bouncing balls and playing in his own room. It's just one of those things that comes with the territory of living below a family of 7 (who also run a daycare).
As much as I love people, I feel the need to live in less proximity to so many of them. I need to breathe air not filled with car exhaust, to see mountains, to touch trees that are big & old & joyful in their strength, to hear outside noises like birds and wind and occasional silence. There are no mountains near me at home. Trees are young and sickly and penned in like the children who play in the back alley. The sounds we hear are of the busy intersection, the families yelling, the teenagers fighting on their walks home from school, circling each other on the corner while their classmates jeer & cheer them on.
Jake & Daniel make the inside of our house a wonderful, homey slice of heaven, but we can't step outside without being reminded that we're not welcome there. We've tried to make friends with our neighbors, but no one is interested. I know that we need to bless the world around us, but we're both people who love quiet & peace, and we both need time alone (and I mean really alone) to recharge & be available to the people around us.
All of this to say, I guess, that I'd give just about anything to live here. I know we couldn't afford one of these houses, but a smaller place nearby and walks with my MIL in her quiet neighborhood sound delightful. Besides- moving to Ventura would be closer to where I want to be. Say it with me if you know me: NORTH!
Even with the lack of sleep, though, I'm happy to be here. Daniel and I went for a walk this morning, and I was so struck by the differences between here and Escondido. Forgive me for waxing poetic, but for the first time in a great while, I'm feeling inspired.
In Ventura, my MIL's house faces a river bottom. As we walked along the path across the street, my senses were filled with the smells of spruce trees, freshly turned dirt- moist & rich, freshly cut grass baking in the warm sun. More delicious smells that I have no name for drift up from the farmland alongside the river bottom, where the sun & wind together create a soul-thrilling perfume. I heard birds chirping madly & gladly in the bushes & trees, bees swarming (eek!) in the trees above my head, fellow wandering souls giving cheery (& non-threatening) hellos & good mornings. My heart was filled with joy overflowing as I watched the world around me. A ring of mountains around us, strong and ageless, trees old enough to be tall, strong, & glad in their might. I have to tilt my head all the way back to see their dizzying heights with the bees & birds in their uppermost branches. Dogs run free along the path, giddy with chasing & returning toys. A cool breeze balances the warm sun, and I feel all of the joy that I've been missing in our crowded, bustling, walled-in city.
I realize that this romanticizing isn't necessarily realistic- the gap in socioeconomic statuses of these neighborhoods is wide, but I don't think that the money factor is the only difference, not by a long shot. Here there are somewhat large single family homes, and we live in a condo complex where apartments have 2 bedrooms each. The difference that I noticed on my walk today, though- these houses are well kept. Trees & shrubs are trimmed, walkways are clean, the grass is cut, there isn't trash everywhere or gum & glass on the sidewalk or graffiti covering every surface. In San Diego, many 2br condos have 6-10 people crowded in, all of whom are apparently hell-bent on destroying their own neighborhood. Trash piles upon the porches. Lights that Jake dutifully fixes around the complex are broken as soon as they're repaired, much the same way that graffiti covers the freshly painted fences, walls, & garage doors that he just covered to erase the foul language & stupid symbols. While out painting & fixing lights (all on public areas of the complex) Jake has had the police called on him 3 times. The police show up 15 minutes later, confusedly asking Jake why he's cleaning up the neighborhood, & if he's being paid to do it (he's not). Any time that I go for a walk around our neighborhood at home, I'm made uncomfortable by people staring, crossing to the other side of the street to avoid me, or aggressively maintaining eye contact & forcing me & the stroller off of the sidewalk because they won't move (ftr, I hate wanna-be thugs in their teens & twenties).
Jake is always telling me that I'm the compassionate bleeding-heart in our relationship, leaving him free to be the asshole. :) I love people- I really do. I just don't want to be penned in & walled up & crowded with them on a regular basis. The elephant races held in the apartment above ours at all hours of the day & night irritate me more than I can say, but I couldn't ask them to tiptoe around their own home or keep their toddler from running and bouncing balls and playing in his own room. It's just one of those things that comes with the territory of living below a family of 7 (who also run a daycare).
As much as I love people, I feel the need to live in less proximity to so many of them. I need to breathe air not filled with car exhaust, to see mountains, to touch trees that are big & old & joyful in their strength, to hear outside noises like birds and wind and occasional silence. There are no mountains near me at home. Trees are young and sickly and penned in like the children who play in the back alley. The sounds we hear are of the busy intersection, the families yelling, the teenagers fighting on their walks home from school, circling each other on the corner while their classmates jeer & cheer them on.
Jake & Daniel make the inside of our house a wonderful, homey slice of heaven, but we can't step outside without being reminded that we're not welcome there. We've tried to make friends with our neighbors, but no one is interested. I know that we need to bless the world around us, but we're both people who love quiet & peace, and we both need time alone (and I mean really alone) to recharge & be available to the people around us.
All of this to say, I guess, that I'd give just about anything to live here. I know we couldn't afford one of these houses, but a smaller place nearby and walks with my MIL in her quiet neighborhood sound delightful. Besides- moving to Ventura would be closer to where I want to be. Say it with me if you know me: NORTH!
Friday, October 5, 2007
shoes!
Jake just bought me the cutest shoes in the world!
Gather 'round, children, it's story time. :)
So. We were at Sears, just passing the time, and while he was looking for new work shoes I decided to try some stuff on, just for fun. I found some amazing stiletto/boots/grandma shoes (haha, i know, gross, right? they're adorable). I was so sad to take them off.... they made my feet so happy. :)
We don't really have the money for frivolous things right now, so i finally got over it and boxed them up. Jake saw them, though, and asked me if i wanted them. After debating and guilting with myself for a while and asking Jake's opinion, I decided to do the right thing and put them back. Right before I did, though, Jake looked at me with his beautiful brown eyeballs, and said, "Do you want these shoes?" I paused, shook my head, then nodded. "You'd better carry them, then." Oh man... So we bought them. I might have made a little scene jumping on him and kissing him in the store, much to the amusement of other men in the shoe section, but I was so happy!
It's wonderful having a husband who understands his silly wife's love of pretties.
Gather 'round, children, it's story time. :)
So. We were at Sears, just passing the time, and while he was looking for new work shoes I decided to try some stuff on, just for fun. I found some amazing stiletto/boots/grandma shoes (haha, i know, gross, right? they're adorable). I was so sad to take them off.... they made my feet so happy. :)
We don't really have the money for frivolous things right now, so i finally got over it and boxed them up. Jake saw them, though, and asked me if i wanted them. After debating and guilting with myself for a while and asking Jake's opinion, I decided to do the right thing and put them back. Right before I did, though, Jake looked at me with his beautiful brown eyeballs, and said, "Do you want these shoes?" I paused, shook my head, then nodded. "You'd better carry them, then." Oh man... So we bought them. I might have made a little scene jumping on him and kissing him in the store, much to the amusement of other men in the shoe section, but I was so happy!
It's wonderful having a husband who understands his silly wife's love of pretties.
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