One slice o' paradise, coming right up

So we three are in Ventura this week hanging out with Isaac & Brenna while my MIL is in CO at a conference. We arrived last night around 10, and stayed up chatting until 11. Dan slept the entire car ride & was thoroughly woken up when we got here, so we couldn't get him to sleep until almost midnight. He then woke up at 1AM, and stayed awake and crying until 4. We slept until 6:30AM... and that's all. I think today I need to watch out for the "mommy monster" that Jake always warns Dan about...

Even with the lack of sleep, though, I'm happy to be here. Daniel and I went for a walk this morning, and I was so struck by the differences between here and Escondido. Forgive me for waxing poetic, but for the first time in a great while, I'm feeling inspired.

In Ventura, my MIL's house faces a river bottom. As we walked along the path across the street, my senses were filled with the smells of spruce trees, freshly turned dirt- moist & rich, freshly cut grass baking in the warm sun. More delicious smells that I have no name for drift up from the farmland alongside the river bottom, where the sun & wind together create a soul-thrilling perfume. I heard birds chirping madly & gladly in the bushes & trees, bees swarming (eek!) in the trees above my head, fellow wandering souls giving cheery (& non-threatening) hellos & good mornings. My heart was filled with joy overflowing as I watched the world around me. A ring of mountains around us, strong and ageless, trees old enough to be tall, strong, & glad in their might. I have to tilt my head all the way back to see their dizzying heights with the bees & birds in their uppermost branches. Dogs run free along the path, giddy with chasing & returning toys. A cool breeze balances the warm sun, and I feel all of the joy that I've been missing in our crowded, bustling, walled-in city.

I realize that this romanticizing isn't necessarily realistic- the gap in socioeconomic statuses of these neighborhoods is wide, but I don't think that the money factor is the only difference, not by a long shot. Here there are somewhat large single family homes, and we live in a condo complex where apartments have 2 bedrooms each. The difference that I noticed on my walk today, though- these houses are well kept. Trees & shrubs are trimmed, walkways are clean, the grass is cut, there isn't trash everywhere or gum & glass on the sidewalk or graffiti covering every surface. In San Diego, many 2br condos have 6-10 people crowded in, all of whom are apparently hell-bent on destroying their own neighborhood. Trash piles upon the porches. Lights that Jake dutifully fixes around the complex are broken as soon as they're repaired, much the same way that graffiti covers the freshly painted fences, walls, & garage doors that he just covered to erase the foul language & stupid symbols. While out painting & fixing lights (all on public areas of the complex) Jake has had the police called on him 3 times. The police show up 15 minutes later, confusedly asking Jake why he's cleaning up the neighborhood, & if he's being paid to do it (he's not). Any time that I go for a walk around our neighborhood at home, I'm made uncomfortable by people staring, crossing to the other side of the street to avoid me, or aggressively maintaining eye contact & forcing me & the stroller off of the sidewalk because they won't move (ftr, I hate wanna-be thugs in their teens & twenties).

Jake is always telling me that I'm the compassionate bleeding-heart in our relationship, leaving him free to be the asshole. :) I love people- I really do. I just don't want to be penned in & walled up & crowded with them on a regular basis. The elephant races held in the apartment above ours at all hours of the day & night irritate me more than I can say, but I couldn't ask them to tiptoe around their own home or keep their toddler from running and bouncing balls and playing in his own room. It's just one of those things that comes with the territory of living below a family of 7 (who also run a daycare).

As much as I love people, I feel the need to live in less proximity to so many of them. I need to breathe air not filled with car exhaust, to see mountains, to touch trees that are big & old & joyful in their strength, to hear outside noises like birds and wind and occasional silence. There are no mountains near me at home. Trees are young and sickly and penned in like the children who play in the back alley. The sounds we hear are of the busy intersection, the families yelling, the teenagers fighting on their walks home from school, circling each other on the corner while their classmates jeer & cheer them on.

Jake & Daniel make the inside of our house a wonderful, homey slice of heaven, but we can't step outside without being reminded that we're not welcome there. We've tried to make friends with our neighbors, but no one is interested. I know that we need to bless the world around us, but we're both people who love quiet & peace, and we both need time alone (and I mean really alone) to recharge & be available to the people around us.

All of this to say, I guess, that I'd give just about anything to live here. I know we couldn't afford one of these houses, but a smaller place nearby and walks with my MIL in her quiet neighborhood sound delightful. Besides- moving to Ventura would be closer to where I want to be. Say it with me if you know me: NORTH!

4 months

Sometimes I put off blogging because I feel guilty that I haven't done it in so long. Today, after a long battle for nap time with Daniel, I want to get something, anything out. I know he'll wake up in a few minutes (we had the quite the battle to start nap time), but I think it's important to document this crazy, beautiful, sleep-deprived time. I already can't remember things from the 2 weeks after Dan was born-- although I think the c-section recovery, vicodin and 4 hours of sleep per night may have played a part in that.

We're getting to the point of sleep training with Daniel. Jake wanted to start it earlier, but I was being sentimental about how little he was and how dark and scary the world is (lol). I know (knew) that I was being silly, especially since I was frustrated night after night with how we needed to pat his little butt for an hour, and then again when he woke up during the night. I figure of all the things to be silly about, though, loving him too much isn't going to hurt him. He's just now exhibiting signs of knowing that he can manipulate us with crying, fake coughing, etc. As sad as I am to get to this point, it's amazing to see how clearly the light bulb turns on for him when he figures out something new.

I think that's one of my favorite parts of mommyhood- seeing him discover the world, and in the process rediscovering it for myself. Did you know that little crocodiles on a blanket have 10-minutes of stare-worthiness in them? Who knew? And the grass (okay, weeds) growing in the front yard, dancing in the cold wind are delightful to watch for as long as chilly fingers & cheeks can stand it.

I love how bright his eyes light up when he discovers something new, or when he sees me watching him push up. I clap and cheer for how strong he is, and he smiles a giant, gummy grin, occasionally breaking out into a little crow of delight and bigger push up.

There's nothing in the world like the light reflected as he stares at us with owl-eyed examination. I read in a book once a baby's eyes described as "orbs of light", and that sounds exactly right to me. Deep, intent, dark blue orbs reflecting the pure light within. I'm finally understanding again the innocence of children.

I'm also seeing human nature in fine form. His temper tantrums are rare so far (of course, he's not even 5 months yet), but they are definitely there. The fit of temper when we lay him down in his crib is funny so far- he kicks and screams with baby rage... and then eventually quiets down when he gets his paci. Jake saw a pacifier once that said "mute button". At the time we thought it was inappropriate... until we had a baby who wouldn't stop crying until we gave him a paci. Silly non-parents and their crazy ideals! I had so many theories on child-rearing before I had a baby. I still do, but now I can see how things change.

I have so much love for my sleep-hating, active & engaging child. I think he's like me, so far. We both need lots of attention/socialization (hey, I'm admitting it!), a routine, and time outside avoiding the sun. He's like Jake, too. He seems to be mechanically minded already, solemn, and a little bit angry. It's delightful!

I'm so happy on this journey. I'm even happier because I got a mini-date with Jake last night. The love of my life had a very rough week, but I enjoyed the time we had to tease each other, eat ice cream, and talk about the wonderful & terrifying turn our life has taken. So he's not on the way to becoming the CFO of a Fortune 500 company, and my ambitions have shifted to being a good mother instead of a good therapist. I'm happy. I'll be happier when I can work in writing & friends & music, but for now, I'm focused. I hope he'll be able to find a fulfilling job soon, especially since struggling to afford to live in a city we don't even like is stupid.

We are blessed- God is good. I'm so happy with my sweet little family.