Monday, November 8, 2010

Pressing on

I've been meaning to post for months, but babies are hard! I never seem to find time. Sometimes while feeding Dan in the middle of the night I plan out blogs, thinking of what I'll say to document my baby's brilliance, milestones, and thousand sweetnesses. Only now, when he's almost 12 weeks and the house is finally quiet, am I managing to post even one update. Such is life, I guess!

The first months were very difficult. Sleep deprivation, colic, and lack of confidence made everything seem worse than it was. I went from calmly, kindly, logically explaining to Daniel why he shouldn't be crying for hours on end to laughing at myself for trying to sobbing hysterically to match his crying. Trying to get him ready and out the door for church, grocery shopping, and bible study made me quake in my new mommy boots (I say that as past tense... but it's still terrifying). Now, as he's about to hit the 3 month mark and pass from newborn to infant, few things have really changed. Laundry and dishes take days of planning and failed attempts to accomplish. My house is a mess as the normal clutter is buried under soggy burp cloths and attempted tasks (like thank you cards and birth announcements) that keep piling up. The one significant difference is my budding confidence that I might actually be able to do this!

I am so amazed by my friends with older babies. How the heck have you all managed to make it look so easy? Or my dear SIL Jenn, who has FOUR beautiful children, and manages to keep them entertained, learning, and yes, flourishing.

My lack of confidence is what really got me. Were (are) we making the right decisions? Why does he spit up so much? Why is there poop everywhere? How the hell are you supposed to know if a baby has diarrhea when every bm looks like soup? I feel like my capacity for worry (which was huge before) has grown as exponentially as my capacity for patience and love.

I am definitely becoming a better person as I learn how to be Dan's mama. Even in small things, I'm working harder to be the example of the person I want Daniel to be. I put shopping carts back in the corrals, spit gum into the trash, stopped littering, and re-hang clothes I bump over in department stores every time! As Lucy says, it's the little things we do that mean anything.

Daniel is getting smarter, stronger, and sweeter every day. Seeing Jake interact with him is making me fall in love with my husband in new, deeper ways. There is nothing in the world like my little family. As I go through each new day, even in the worry and hard work and occasional loneliness, four words echo over and over in my head- God is so good.

1 comment:

Lucy said...

You are a beautiful and wonderful mother! I enjoy the little snippets you post! It makes me feel closer!